Thursday, April 28, 2011

If Only We'd Gotten An Invite...

I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but there’s a royal wedding tomorrow.


Unless you’re a baron, a Beckham or the butcher from Bucklebury, chances are you’ll be watching from the comfort of your couch like me. So while we polish up the tea sets and stock our remote controls with new batteries, let’s look back on some fictional TV weddings we all wish we’d been invited to.

Billy Riggins and Mindy Collette – Friday Night Lights

The Bride – Best Known For: Stripping at the Landing Strip.
The Groom – Best Known For: Stealing copper wire, stealing money for his mortgage from a meth dealer/ferret lover, running around in his tight, black underwear drunk

When these two got together, I’ll admit that I was skeptical. I didn’t think they’d actually make it to the altar. Then they did:

Yes, she’s got wings on her dress, and he's dressed like Boss Hogg. And did I mention that their vows were from Finding Nemo?

Oh, yeah. And this guy was best man:

Any other show could have made these two into a train wreck, but what’s brilliant about FNL is that, as with every other resident of Dillon, they come off as completely believable and completely human – even when they’re completely hilarious. They may not be the Cleavers, but Billy and Mins kind of turned out to be pretty perfect for each other, and their wedding was pretty perfect for them.

Also, this bonus scene from the DVD is just about the best thing ever. 

As Coach Taylor said at one point during the reception, “I don’t even know what the hell we’re doing here. I don’t even know Billy Riggins that well.” With a wedding this awesome, that doesn’t really matter.

Charlotte York and Harry Goldenblatt – Sex and the City

When Harry walked in on Charlotte in her wedding dress, we all knew this wedding was going to be a mess. Just how big of a mess, no one could have calculated. Let’s recap:

- The wedding announcement in the New York Times had an ink stain that made it look like Charlotte had a Hitler moustache
- Harry spilled wine all over the front of Charlotte’s dress during the ceremony
- Harry had to try multiple times in order to break the glass under his foot, and also had trouble getting the ring on Charlotte’s finger
- Samantha broke her bracelet while the couple was exchanging vows, causing beads to fly all over the floor
- Charlotte slipped on one of the beads as they made their way back down the aisle
- Carrie had a one night stand with the best man the night before the wedding and ended up throwing out her back
- Said one night stand was bitter because he didn’t know it was a one night stand and decided to give a drunken roast instead of a best man’s speech
- While Miranda was reading her speech, it caught on fire from a candle on the table, and Anthony had to throw a glass of water on her

Was this wedding hilarious? Yes. Was it also incredibly touching? You bet, because as Carrie pointed out, Charlotte had already had the perfect wedding with Trey, and the marriage was less than perfect. Her wedding with Harry certainly had its flaws, and it didn’t seem like a fairy tale, but it was real, and if they could get through all of those hiccups in their first few minutes of marriage, they could get through anything.

Jim Halpert and Pam Beesly – The Office

We watched as Jim pined over Pam while she was engaged to Roy. We cheered when they finally got together, and cried when he proposed in the rain. How could their wedding ever live up to what we’d been through with them?

Well, I suppose Dunder Mifflin could close down so that the entire office could trek out to Niagra Falls uninvited. And I suppose Jim could spill the beans about Pam’s pregnancy to her old-fashioned grandmother, and Michael could hook up with Pam’s mom. And maybe everyone could have a dance party the night before, and Andy could do a split to impress Erin but in doing so would puncture his scrotum, leaving Pam to take him to the hospital on the eve of her wedding. And maybe Kevin’s shoes could get thrown out and he’d have to wear Kleenex boxes on his feet. And maybe this could happen:

Not only did the episode not disappoint, it became an instant classic. Only The Office could have you crying with laughter and crying with joy at the same time.

Zack Morris and Kelly Kapowski – Saved by the Bell: Wedding in Las Vegas
Don’t pretend you’re too cool for school. You were excited when Zack and Kelly got married and you know it.

Of course, it almost seemed like the wedding wasn’t going to happen, what with the mixup that left the guys in a jail cell, the mobsters chasing after them, and the fact Zack was swindled out of the $1200 he had saved for the wedding. But we’re talking Zack Morris here! Of course he’d pull through! All it took was the guys dressing up as showgirls, a brief stint where they had to work as male escorts, a classic Three Stooges routine and a last minute appearance by all of their friends and family. Piece of cake.

Any girl I know would want to be at the wedding of Zack and Kelly for one reason and one reason only:  to do an old school SBTB “Time Out!” at the “Speak now or forever hold your peace” pause and switch places with Kelly, because I don’t know anyone who didn’t dream of marrying Zack Morris one day. And we never would have cheated on him with Jeff.


  1. All weddings I would have liked to have been invited to! Even crashed, for that matter! Classics for so many reasons. Love it!!!

  2. All great weddings. Might I humbly add Lily and Marshall from HIMYM? How much did I love that wedding. Marshall freaks out after getting his tips frosted and shaves off a strip of his hair. Lily secretly smokes. Then they're married by a crying Barney in the park outside of the church. And how much do I love their stop for fast food after the reception, with Lily completely plastered and getting sick in a trash can. When the teenage cashier says to Marshall "Your wife just threw up, dude." And Marshall looks at Lily and says to himself, "My wife," and you can tell how completely in love they are and how they're meant to be together I get so gooey inside.